WHY CAN'T THIS BE EASY???

Agh here I am crying as I write this post.

We had made a decision - not to go ASAP - but as soon as the decision was made and clinic contacted I have begun to question this decision - MY HEART IS SO SO SO SO SO SO SO TORN

AF decided to show today as I figured she would - if I go in March - I HAVE to decide by tomorrow - I am just waiting from my clinic for protocol dates - I would have to start estrace again tomorrow - AGGGHHHH I don't know what to do

DH (dear husband) is just as torn - and together we are the most indecisive couple that has ever existed…. Why can't there be an easy answer?????

Why are we here 5.5 years into trying to have a baby - blessed with one little boy who I can't even describe how much I love him -but we I KNOW our family isn't complete…..

But this is emotionally draining, physically draining, financially draining - I think DH had a bit of break down tonight - those were partially his words - its true - I love our journey - but how long can one go on for? How many times does one try? How much money do you spend? When do you stop and say be happy with what you have and move on.

So much I can ramble about - so torn - I wish the answer was easy….

5 weeks to go - getting ready......

Well I must apologize- its been quite a while since I have updated - but time is just going by SOOOO fast!

Things have been going fairly smooth still - the tiredness has definetly returned, but I've also been told I have something called "symphysis pubis dysfunction (SPD)" it is basically stretching of the ligaments that hold my pubic bone together - it is essentially my birth canal widening preparing for the baby arrival - but boy oh boy it's painful - there are days it's hurts so bad to walk, I feel like I will collapse.
Nothing really seems to help, so I just need to remember to take it easy and not push myself too much.

All in all this has been a great pregnancy - I am almost sad that it is nearing to the end....I thought I would make a list of things that I think I will miss and a list of things I can't wait to do after bambino is born, so here we go

THINGS I WILL MISS:

1. Feeling bambino move around in my belly - I LOVE LOVE LOVE this feeling - I wish bambino would move more often, he/she is pretty chill - but it is one of the coolest things I have ever experienced - such an amazing feeling, and one of the things I love most about pregnancy.

2. My belly - I've been lucky (no stretch marks - I hope to God this doesn't jinx me lol) It has been so neat watching my belly grow - I also think its semi-cute hahaah - I always thought I'd BALLLOON when I got pregnant - but I have been again lucky - and think I rock a pretty cute bump hahaha

3. Eating cravings without guilt! I've been pretty good- but when the urge strikes I don't have ANY regret in indulging lol

I think those are the biggest things that come to my mind at first - NOW the things I am looking forward to - I already know this list will be WAY bigger!!!!

THINGS I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO:

 1. MEETING BAMBINO - oh I am so looking forward to this! To finally meet this little person who has been living with me for 9 months - after all our years of anticipation - its almost here!!! A little nerving - it really hits me when I see other newborns - I get an overwhelming thought of OMG I am responsible for that little human in a month - for EVERYTHING he/she will depend on me - food, clothes, cleanliness EVERYTHING - but that's ok -- I am hoping this parenting instinct kick in when bambino arrives.

2. Starting this new adventure - I can't wait to see what this adventure brings us - Daddy B and I are hoping to incorporate baby flawlessly into our lives - now I have a discussion with a friend who is due two weeks after me all the time - and we believe we will be able to do this no problem -and oh boy I will try - one because I am stubborn and people lately have been "telling" me oh you won't want to do or go here or there and ITS DRIVING ME CRAZY!!!! Am I naive???? Maybe??? But I will try to incorporate baby into my life as much as possible.... We will see how this goes.

3. Wearing NORMAL shoes!!! OMGoodness - seriously I have been living in flip flops for awhile now  - I have some of the nicest summer sandals and I can not wear them because of my sausage feet - lol - a little selfish I know - but I am SO tired of the flip flops hahaha

4. Wearing my wedding set - Oh I miss my bling - LOL - I mean my Wal-mart $10 faux set does a pretty good job - I've had some people fooled well - but I just want my real diamonds - hahaha - I WILL NEVER judge a pregnant woman again that doesn't wear a ring - chances are she just can't!!!

5. Participating in EVERYTHING - again - just getting back into routine - I have fallen off the workout train (bad, I know that's one of my biggest regrets) however I was so sick for so long (just colds) and so exhausted I just stopped - oops :-( , even lately with the SPD - walking is getting tough - even a few blocks, or a 30 min shopping trip - I pay for it later..... 

6. Sleep - oh wait - that won't happen - darn - maybe in 18 years????? LOL at least I will have company instead of an iPad or TV

7. Food - Sushi- full on "real" sushi - none of this trying to satisfy my craving with veggie sushi or cooked prawns - Sashimi, and raw fish - mmmm I CAN'T WAIT - oh and Medium Rare Steak!! Bring on the pink lol - oh and Wine - I do intend on breastfeeding - but I can not wait for that yummy glass of wine - whenever it will be - at least I know it's closer than 9 months away!!!

8. Being comfortable - just the achey, swelling, soreness - I am not a big complainer - but this aching and soreness in general drives me nuts - I am hoping to sleep comfortably again - even if they are for short spurts at a time when bambino arrives - just looking at being able to get up normally again - and not rolling over and pushing myself up - and walking like I am about 60 years older than I really am - comfort - bring it on!! 

Well I will stop - LOL - I am sure there are more reasons in both categories - however those are the ones that "stand" out!!!

Well again - pretty sure we are ready for bambino - I think - um I may have had my first "mommy oops" so the nesting has started (I think) lol - so yesterday I decided to wash everything for baby - followed all directions to a "T" and um - baby clothes shrink........ there are some things  I have - especially the onesies - and they seem to be even the size for a doll now - I have no idea what went wrong - I cold water washed everything and tumble dried everything on low - just like all the tags told me.. so I think I need to pickup a few more things and I guess just buy all 3 mth+ because newborn stuff looks super itty bitty..... so maybe a couple things and whatever we will figure it out when we know when baby shows up - I am sure what I have will be enough?? I hope lol

Well I think I will leave it off at that - hoping to do another update- but not promising anything - hope everyone is doing well - stay strong and enjoy summer!!!!

XO

18w 5d (My little Mango) A sign on things to come? Stubborn Bambino

Well we had our 18-20 week ultrasound this morning, and a sign of things to come? Stubborn like mom and dad to be? Bambino didn't co-operate was facing my back the whole time again - so they were not able to capture everything they needed to - so I have to return for another ultrasound in three weeks (ok with me! I get to see the little one again!!!)

We have chosen NOT to find out - however at one point the tech who the whole time said baby stated "well he likes that position" hmmmmmm is a " :-( " needed?? Did she spill the beans???? I don't know and of course won't until bambino comes (hopefully!!) Good little heartbeat of 144.

Things have still been going well - still SUPER DUPER tired, and my nightly insomnia is NOT helping. I can lay awake nightly from anywhere from 1-4 hours - and NOTHING helps me fall back asleep :-( It's ok for the days I don't work - as I can nap - but for the days that I work - it makes for a super long exhausting day.
I have also been having some very intense, vivid dreams. And not fun celebratory ones, NIGHTMARES :-( these dreams are just awful - I am witnessing murders, and most recently kidnapping (of my dogs, but still it was someone in my house stealing them) something I will be bringing up at my OB appointment next week, he might think I am a bit coo-coo though, lol.

Other than that not too much else happening - we have set up the crib, the mattress arrived, along with the pack and play and we ordered our rocker/glider on Sunday. So we almost have the nursery ready, I just need a bookshelf of some sort - and then buy the bedding and I think I am ready?? I haven't purchased specific baby items yet - I will wait till June/July'ish for that - I need something to do later!!!

Definitely getting a "distinct" bump now - I have had one for awhile, but its changed "shape" sound weird? But I think it has - maybe pointier? Whatever has happened has definitely made the way I fit my maternity pants different - they seem to constantly fall down.....

Haven't had any "distinct" feelings of kicking yet - but I think if baby is facing my back that has something to do with it - I was reading that facing backwards is the perfect position for delivering, but NOT YET !!!! LOL - and that this is probably why I don't feel baby kicking too much, hopefully it will decide to turnover SOOON!!!!

Well till next time. XO
Here is bambinos foot.

6 weeks, 1 day 0 - Baby is a size of a blueberry

Hi Everyone!

Well we are just past our 6 week mark, still very surreal! I have been doing nothing but sleeping and eating, I am exhausted all the time, no matter how much sleep and or fresh air/walking I get in - and eat, I can eat all the time - gotta get back on that treadmill part time (lol) to help out with my calorie intake.....

In one week we will have our ultrasound - still cautiously optimistic and praying for the best, good chance we may hear a heartbeat (or two!)

Until then!!

XO