Agh here I am crying as I write this post.
We had made a decision - not to go ASAP - but as soon as the decision was made and clinic contacted I have begun to question this decision - MY HEART IS SO SO SO SO SO SO SO TORN
AF decided to show today as I figured she would - if I go in March - I HAVE to decide by tomorrow - I am just waiting from my clinic for protocol dates - I would have to start estrace again tomorrow - AGGGHHHH I don't know what to do
DH (dear husband) is just as torn - and together we are the most indecisive couple that has ever existed…. Why can't there be an easy answer?????
Why are we here 5.5 years into trying to have a baby - blessed with one little boy who I can't even describe how much I love him -but we I KNOW our family isn't complete…..
But this is emotionally draining, physically draining, financially draining - I think DH had a bit of break down tonight - those were partially his words - its true - I love our journey - but how long can one go on for? How many times does one try? How much money do you spend? When do you stop and say be happy with what you have and move on.
So much I can ramble about - so torn - I wish the answer was easy….
Showing posts with label Emotions. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Emotions. Show all posts
Tuesday, 24 February 2015
Wednesday, 26 December 2012
Egg Transfer day and everything afterwards!
Hello!
I know it's been awhile - but when we were in Cancun, we moved to a new hotel we had little to no wi-fi connection - I had a post partially finished - but then lost it so no updates, but now I am sitting back in my home in Canada and I have been attempting to make this update for over a week now...
Transfer day (December 10, 2012) went wonderfully - MANY tears were shed that day - all happy tears- I didn't get much sleep the night before because I think I was more excited and maybe a little anxious.
My mom joined us this day at the clinic, as she had arrived in Cancun on Saturday night with my brother, his wife and her family, and we thought we would ask her to join us on this special day for us.
We got a cab from our hotel in Playa Del Carmen and ventured into Cancun, we were a little early, because we were not too sure how long the drive would take or how the traffic would be, we were earlier than we expected though, our cab driver had a brick attached to his foot - haha.
We arrived at the clinic and figured we would just hang out in the waiting room, again hugs and kisses all around, and the girls even welcomed my mother like this! Daniela came and got us and brought us to our waiting room, it was nice and definitely more private than waiting in the general area.
I had decided along with Dr. Gaytan and IPF, to do an acupuncture session prior to the transfer (it was also included in our package), so the acupuncturist came and got me and it was laser acupuncture rather than the traditional needle acupuncture - and I can tell you that the 20 min laser session had me more relaxed than any of the five months worth of traditional acupuncture I had done at home in Edmonton.
I went back into my room and got changed, Dr. Gaytan came in to speak to us and show us the picture of the embroyos being transferred. He was very happy - we were told we had 19 embroyos that they froze that morning (day 5), he was beyond ecstatic how everything had progressed, and felt we would have success. He reviewed my "don't list" for the week and checked if we had any last minute questions. Everything at this point was straight forward for us - and it just became a waiting game.
I had changed and the girls came to "wheel" me away to the OR. Again my DH or mother could not be in there with me - but they had video streamed everything into the room they waited for me in, so it was still like they were a part of it.
I got into OR - got ready and waited for Dr. G
He came into the OR - asked how I was doing and I was ok still and he explained what would happen, I was awake for the egg transfer - so I was able to watch everything on the monitor by my bed (which was so nice - I had a split screen of what the embryologist was doing and of my uterus)
Dr. G swabbed me with hormone (HCG I believe) to help with the implantation - we had to wait four minutes after this before we could do the transfer of the two embryos (which reached blastocyst stage) He had asked me if I had named them - and I laughed and said no - he gave them names but for the life of me I don't remember what they are! We had some quick chit chat - he asked me how my experience at the clinic was and if I was happy or not - I told him words can not express at how happy we were with our decision to proceed with IVF again at his clinic - I told him, that the way everyone had treated us was beyond gold, and then our time was up! I watched as the embryologist "sucked" my two embryos into the catheter - and watched the nurse carry it into the OR - then saw him insert it in me (via monitor) and "push" them out - and there we go that quick and we were done!! I also watched as the embryologist checked to ensure both embryo's came out of the catheter, that's it - it was all done - my 19 day journey at the clinic was done. I was overcome with emotion - Dr. Gaytan came up to me - held my hand, wished us all the best, and said - good things will happen and oh I cried - I thanked him for everything and again told him what an amazing experience for us - and thanked him for being so caring and having such a wonderful staff.
That was it - I was wheeled back into my "recovery" room and relaxed for about 10 minutes - and got to visit the bathroom (had to have a full bladder for the transfer)
We finished up at the clinic, said our goodbyes - got our first ten days of suppository medication to help with possible implantation (hello again progesterone train - aggghh) and off we went - I had another 6 days left in Mexico - total time to relax - I am so glad I had this time and not have to rush to the airport to catch a plane back home.
We had a surprise from the clinic - they had emailed us the next day to say that we had a total of 24 embryos frozen - ummm??? Where did the five come from?? Well we had either misunderstood - or just assumed that we only had 21 left (19 frozen, 2 transferred) but they still had 5 under observation and ended up freezing them - so that's great- we have 24 more to transfer (as they all survive the thawing) so hopefully another 12 chances to expand our family!!!
I took it pretty easy for the week - I couldn't swim - so I had tons of lay by the beach and pool time - which was nice - got to really relax, and having the week in Mexico - definitely helped out with our two week waiting (2ww) time - which was actually only 9 days - because of the 5 day transfer (which I was surprised to hear!)
We got back home to Canada on December 16 - and only three days to kill before we were able to take a home pregnancy test (hpt) - we had agreed to not take one and that we were just going to wait for the results from the doctor. Well easier said than done, December 19 came quickly and we couldn't resist. I got up and got my stick - and was prepared for both answers - I put the test upside down and waited three minutes, I made DH look at it- I didn't want to - seemed to be the longest ten seconds of my life!! He went " Well.......it definitely looks like..........YOUR PREGNANT!!!"
OMG OMG OMG - I said really??!!?? I couldn't believe it - after so many negatives, after all these years, we finally had a positive - we shared a few tears and were ecstatic and went about our day, that was it....
We only told DH's sister that day - everyone else I sort of "put off" until we went for our beta test and got our results on the Thursday. It's not that I wanted to make it this big secret - but it is very surreal for me at this point...We had told our families, and some close friends but its not on facebook - and well I just made my announcement here - I am not ashamed of my BFP (Big Fat Positive) I am cautiously optimistic.
I have taken two more hpt since then and they all have both been positive. I have also had three beta tests done - the first test on Dec 19 was 118 - and our second on December 22 was 357. We just had the third one today and so I will probably get those results tomorrow if not Friday. I am still trying to wrap my head with the beta levels, but I am not letting them stress me out - all I know really is I need it to at least double, and well I seem to be right on track for that!!
I am going for an early ultrasound January 11, 2013 - and I am thinking that is when it will hit me and be "real." I could have gone January 04 or 07 but I wanted to go to a u/s facility close to my home and my DH wants to be (and I want him) there also - so Jan 11 @ 9:10 a.m. we go - it will be here before we know it.
Our unofficial due date is August 28, 2013 - and really that will come so so quick - I mean look how quickly 2012 has gone by!
I haven't really had any major symptoms (except for SUPER SORE breasts lol TMI I know, I know) - waves of nausea that seem to have subsided, and I am more tired than usual. I have a very healthy appetite - I eat a good balanced meal and still seem to be hungry!! And milk - I use to barely go through half a litre of milk in a week- well lets just say I am buying the four litre jugs now!!
Other than that - life is smooth sailing - we have been so busy with Christmas and getting settled back home - we can't wait for a day here soon that we can completely relax - not have to leave the house, or go to a dinner or run some errands, we want to hide from the world for a day - hopefully it happens before we both return to work on Jan 07!!!
Thanks for reading up to this point about our Journey - I will hopefully continue to update this throughout our pregnancy!!
I know it's been awhile - but when we were in Cancun, we moved to a new hotel we had little to no wi-fi connection - I had a post partially finished - but then lost it so no updates, but now I am sitting back in my home in Canada and I have been attempting to make this update for over a week now...
Transfer day (December 10, 2012) went wonderfully - MANY tears were shed that day - all happy tears- I didn't get much sleep the night before because I think I was more excited and maybe a little anxious.
My mom joined us this day at the clinic, as she had arrived in Cancun on Saturday night with my brother, his wife and her family, and we thought we would ask her to join us on this special day for us.
We got a cab from our hotel in Playa Del Carmen and ventured into Cancun, we were a little early, because we were not too sure how long the drive would take or how the traffic would be, we were earlier than we expected though, our cab driver had a brick attached to his foot - haha.
We arrived at the clinic and figured we would just hang out in the waiting room, again hugs and kisses all around, and the girls even welcomed my mother like this! Daniela came and got us and brought us to our waiting room, it was nice and definitely more private than waiting in the general area.
I had decided along with Dr. Gaytan and IPF, to do an acupuncture session prior to the transfer (it was also included in our package), so the acupuncturist came and got me and it was laser acupuncture rather than the traditional needle acupuncture - and I can tell you that the 20 min laser session had me more relaxed than any of the five months worth of traditional acupuncture I had done at home in Edmonton.
I went back into my room and got changed, Dr. Gaytan came in to speak to us and show us the picture of the embroyos being transferred. He was very happy - we were told we had 19 embroyos that they froze that morning (day 5), he was beyond ecstatic how everything had progressed, and felt we would have success. He reviewed my "don't list" for the week and checked if we had any last minute questions. Everything at this point was straight forward for us - and it just became a waiting game.
I had changed and the girls came to "wheel" me away to the OR. Again my DH or mother could not be in there with me - but they had video streamed everything into the room they waited for me in, so it was still like they were a part of it.
I got into OR - got ready and waited for Dr. G
He came into the OR - asked how I was doing and I was ok still and he explained what would happen, I was awake for the egg transfer - so I was able to watch everything on the monitor by my bed (which was so nice - I had a split screen of what the embryologist was doing and of my uterus)
Dr. G swabbed me with hormone (HCG I believe) to help with the implantation - we had to wait four minutes after this before we could do the transfer of the two embryos (which reached blastocyst stage) He had asked me if I had named them - and I laughed and said no - he gave them names but for the life of me I don't remember what they are! We had some quick chit chat - he asked me how my experience at the clinic was and if I was happy or not - I told him words can not express at how happy we were with our decision to proceed with IVF again at his clinic - I told him, that the way everyone had treated us was beyond gold, and then our time was up! I watched as the embryologist "sucked" my two embryos into the catheter - and watched the nurse carry it into the OR - then saw him insert it in me (via monitor) and "push" them out - and there we go that quick and we were done!! I also watched as the embryologist checked to ensure both embryo's came out of the catheter, that's it - it was all done - my 19 day journey at the clinic was done. I was overcome with emotion - Dr. Gaytan came up to me - held my hand, wished us all the best, and said - good things will happen and oh I cried - I thanked him for everything and again told him what an amazing experience for us - and thanked him for being so caring and having such a wonderful staff.
That was it - I was wheeled back into my "recovery" room and relaxed for about 10 minutes - and got to visit the bathroom (had to have a full bladder for the transfer)
We finished up at the clinic, said our goodbyes - got our first ten days of suppository medication to help with possible implantation (hello again progesterone train - aggghh) and off we went - I had another 6 days left in Mexico - total time to relax - I am so glad I had this time and not have to rush to the airport to catch a plane back home.
We had a surprise from the clinic - they had emailed us the next day to say that we had a total of 24 embryos frozen - ummm??? Where did the five come from?? Well we had either misunderstood - or just assumed that we only had 21 left (19 frozen, 2 transferred) but they still had 5 under observation and ended up freezing them - so that's great- we have 24 more to transfer (as they all survive the thawing) so hopefully another 12 chances to expand our family!!!
I took it pretty easy for the week - I couldn't swim - so I had tons of lay by the beach and pool time - which was nice - got to really relax, and having the week in Mexico - definitely helped out with our two week waiting (2ww) time - which was actually only 9 days - because of the 5 day transfer (which I was surprised to hear!)
We got back home to Canada on December 16 - and only three days to kill before we were able to take a home pregnancy test (hpt) - we had agreed to not take one and that we were just going to wait for the results from the doctor. Well easier said than done, December 19 came quickly and we couldn't resist. I got up and got my stick - and was prepared for both answers - I put the test upside down and waited three minutes, I made DH look at it- I didn't want to - seemed to be the longest ten seconds of my life!! He went " Well.......it definitely looks like..........YOUR PREGNANT!!!"
OMG OMG OMG - I said really??!!?? I couldn't believe it - after so many negatives, after all these years, we finally had a positive - we shared a few tears and were ecstatic and went about our day, that was it....
We only told DH's sister that day - everyone else I sort of "put off" until we went for our beta test and got our results on the Thursday. It's not that I wanted to make it this big secret - but it is very surreal for me at this point...We had told our families, and some close friends but its not on facebook - and well I just made my announcement here - I am not ashamed of my BFP (Big Fat Positive) I am cautiously optimistic.
I have taken two more hpt since then and they all have both been positive. I have also had three beta tests done - the first test on Dec 19 was 118 - and our second on December 22 was 357. We just had the third one today and so I will probably get those results tomorrow if not Friday. I am still trying to wrap my head with the beta levels, but I am not letting them stress me out - all I know really is I need it to at least double, and well I seem to be right on track for that!!
I am going for an early ultrasound January 11, 2013 - and I am thinking that is when it will hit me and be "real." I could have gone January 04 or 07 but I wanted to go to a u/s facility close to my home and my DH wants to be (and I want him) there also - so Jan 11 @ 9:10 a.m. we go - it will be here before we know it.
Our unofficial due date is August 28, 2013 - and really that will come so so quick - I mean look how quickly 2012 has gone by!
I haven't really had any major symptoms (except for SUPER SORE breasts lol TMI I know, I know) - waves of nausea that seem to have subsided, and I am more tired than usual. I have a very healthy appetite - I eat a good balanced meal and still seem to be hungry!! And milk - I use to barely go through half a litre of milk in a week- well lets just say I am buying the four litre jugs now!!
Other than that - life is smooth sailing - we have been so busy with Christmas and getting settled back home - we can't wait for a day here soon that we can completely relax - not have to leave the house, or go to a dinner or run some errands, we want to hide from the world for a day - hopefully it happens before we both return to work on Jan 07!!!
Thanks for reading up to this point about our Journey - I will hopefully continue to update this throughout our pregnancy!!
Wednesday, 28 November 2012
Fourth appointment, Day Seven of stims
Well we had another ultrasound today and all looks well!! Dr. G is very happy with the way things are progressing - we have many follicles anything from 7.8-14.3 mm - so we are slowly getting there!!
Next ultrasound is Saturday, and our tentative retrieval date is still Monday, December 03 - which is going to be here before we know it! It is very exciting!
We are lowering my medication tomorrow night just to ensure that we don't suffer from OHSS, we thought we would have lowered it tonight but my estridol rose to 772 and Dr. G thought it would be higher, so Dr. G wanted one more day at the higher dose, which is "A" ok with us.
DH asked Dr. G if everything is on track and he said he couldn't be happier - so that is a good sign right?!
One thing that has my mind spinning now - is during my U/S today - Dr. G asked me if I ever considered being a egg donor (because I have sooo many follicles) wow something to think about - I mean with our first IVF attempt - we had 45 oocytes retrieved and I thought that was a lot and it was a "record" for my clinic at that time and from that we had 30 mature eggs - now if things went right and we had even 20 of those fertilize (oh if only) I would NEVER use them all - now I am wondering how many we will get here - Dr. G went on to tell me he has a patient who has no interest in having children but she does egg donation - and she is a regular at giving 85 oocytes!! yes you read that right 85 oocytes at a retrieval and NEVER suffers from OHSS - this boggles my mind - and obviously after hearing something like that it was a hot topic for my DH and I this afternoon.
I don't think that I would right away donate (and right away I mean this cycle), but obviously freeze any extras (here's to hoping) and then using them and maybe when we think we are done expanding our family then maybe at that point consider donation -but that is so, so far away - can't really make a decision at this point - but still 85 - WOW
Oh the hormones are definitely doing their thing - I can feel my tummy becoming tender I guess - that's the best way to describe it -
And I had a crying spell again - oh my poor DH - the tears just started flowing last night in the lounge of our hotel - no reason - we were just sitting there and the waterworks started - poor guy - damn hormones - but it only lasted a couple minutes and then they were over, he never knows what to do - and if he looks or tries to ask why - I just cry harder - but he did his job - he got me my tissue and that made it all better - oh the simple things to make it stop - lol - but it's all part of our journey and something I hope he has come to accept!!!!
Now we have a couple days to ourselves, we will golf tomorrow and maybe do a tour on Friday - maybe the lagoon boating tour - where you drive these mini boats yourself (I do not do well on boats, especially if we head into the ocean) so I hope I do ok - it's only two hours - so I am hoping I can last - I should do ok in the lagoon area since basically it's like a lake - and I can do lakes back home - but if we head into the ocean to snorkel - we may have a completely different experience - hoping the sun re-appears soon - these overcast days are not so much fun!!
I will probably post again on Saturday or Sunday after our next appointment - and hopefully soon sit down to give you all the down low on our "history"
Till next time!!
Thanks for reading :-)
Next ultrasound is Saturday, and our tentative retrieval date is still Monday, December 03 - which is going to be here before we know it! It is very exciting!
We are lowering my medication tomorrow night just to ensure that we don't suffer from OHSS, we thought we would have lowered it tonight but my estridol rose to 772 and Dr. G thought it would be higher, so Dr. G wanted one more day at the higher dose, which is "A" ok with us.
DH asked Dr. G if everything is on track and he said he couldn't be happier - so that is a good sign right?!
One thing that has my mind spinning now - is during my U/S today - Dr. G asked me if I ever considered being a egg donor (because I have sooo many follicles) wow something to think about - I mean with our first IVF attempt - we had 45 oocytes retrieved and I thought that was a lot and it was a "record" for my clinic at that time and from that we had 30 mature eggs - now if things went right and we had even 20 of those fertilize (oh if only) I would NEVER use them all - now I am wondering how many we will get here - Dr. G went on to tell me he has a patient who has no interest in having children but she does egg donation - and she is a regular at giving 85 oocytes!! yes you read that right 85 oocytes at a retrieval and NEVER suffers from OHSS - this boggles my mind - and obviously after hearing something like that it was a hot topic for my DH and I this afternoon.
I don't think that I would right away donate (and right away I mean this cycle), but obviously freeze any extras (here's to hoping) and then using them and maybe when we think we are done expanding our family then maybe at that point consider donation -but that is so, so far away - can't really make a decision at this point - but still 85 - WOW
Oh the hormones are definitely doing their thing - I can feel my tummy becoming tender I guess - that's the best way to describe it -
And I had a crying spell again - oh my poor DH - the tears just started flowing last night in the lounge of our hotel - no reason - we were just sitting there and the waterworks started - poor guy - damn hormones - but it only lasted a couple minutes and then they were over, he never knows what to do - and if he looks or tries to ask why - I just cry harder - but he did his job - he got me my tissue and that made it all better - oh the simple things to make it stop - lol - but it's all part of our journey and something I hope he has come to accept!!!!
Now we have a couple days to ourselves, we will golf tomorrow and maybe do a tour on Friday - maybe the lagoon boating tour - where you drive these mini boats yourself (I do not do well on boats, especially if we head into the ocean) so I hope I do ok - it's only two hours - so I am hoping I can last - I should do ok in the lagoon area since basically it's like a lake - and I can do lakes back home - but if we head into the ocean to snorkel - we may have a completely different experience - hoping the sun re-appears soon - these overcast days are not so much fun!!
I will probably post again on Saturday or Sunday after our next appointment - and hopefully soon sit down to give you all the down low on our "history"
Till next time!!
Thanks for reading :-)
Saturday, 24 November 2012
Second appointment
Well we had appointment #2 today! It was just to check my estridol levels and I am guessing everything is going well as my dosage has not changed.
Back to the clinic Monday for my first ultrasound - hopefully we have some good growing going on!!!
We met a couple at the clinic today from Philadelphia - they are nearing the end of their journey they have their Egg retrieval(ER) on Monday, we wished them much luck, they were sweet, they also had nothing but good things to say about FCC.
Day 3 of stims and I am feeling good - i just need to remember to drink lots of water and start on the Gatorade train to try to prevent OHSS.
Finally Mr. Sunshine made a good appearance today, we hung out at the sister hotel of our resort as my cousin and her bf and some of their friends are also down here so it was nice to spend the afternoon with them!
Had a little cry at dinner my poor DH but I couldn't hold them back!!!! It was nothing bad, we were just discussing how happy we are with our decision and how right everything feels and talked about how great everyone is here and the tears just came - not a full on bawl just happy tears I guess - darn hormones lol!!!!
Well we have tomorrow to ourselves so we are off to golf in the morning, hopefully beach time in the afternoon and then we are off to a steak/lobster house tomorrow night that Dr. Gaytan recommended with my cousin and her entourage of people that are also here so it should be a good day!!!!
Till next time xo
Back to the clinic Monday for my first ultrasound - hopefully we have some good growing going on!!!
We met a couple at the clinic today from Philadelphia - they are nearing the end of their journey they have their Egg retrieval(ER) on Monday, we wished them much luck, they were sweet, they also had nothing but good things to say about FCC.
Day 3 of stims and I am feeling good - i just need to remember to drink lots of water and start on the Gatorade train to try to prevent OHSS.
Finally Mr. Sunshine made a good appearance today, we hung out at the sister hotel of our resort as my cousin and her bf and some of their friends are also down here so it was nice to spend the afternoon with them!
Had a little cry at dinner my poor DH but I couldn't hold them back!!!! It was nothing bad, we were just discussing how happy we are with our decision and how right everything feels and talked about how great everyone is here and the tears just came - not a full on bawl just happy tears I guess - darn hormones lol!!!!
Well we have tomorrow to ourselves so we are off to golf in the morning, hopefully beach time in the afternoon and then we are off to a steak/lobster house tomorrow night that Dr. Gaytan recommended with my cousin and her entourage of people that are also here so it should be a good day!!!!
Till next time xo
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