Agh here I am crying as I write this post.
We had made a decision - not to go ASAP - but as soon as the decision was made and clinic contacted I have begun to question this decision - MY HEART IS SO SO SO SO SO SO SO TORN
AF decided to show today as I figured she would - if I go in March - I HAVE to decide by tomorrow - I am just waiting from my clinic for protocol dates - I would have to start estrace again tomorrow - AGGGHHHH I don't know what to do
DH (dear husband) is just as torn - and together we are the most indecisive couple that has ever existed…. Why can't there be an easy answer?????
Why are we here 5.5 years into trying to have a baby - blessed with one little boy who I can't even describe how much I love him -but we I KNOW our family isn't complete…..
But this is emotionally draining, physically draining, financially draining - I think DH had a bit of break down tonight - those were partially his words - its true - I love our journey - but how long can one go on for? How many times does one try? How much money do you spend? When do you stop and say be happy with what you have and move on.
So much I can ramble about - so torn - I wish the answer was easy….
Showing posts with label Failure. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Failure. Show all posts
Tuesday, 24 February 2015
Tuesday, 20 August 2013
Bittersweet, somber type anniversary.......and more updates!
Well I knew I wanted to write about this since DH brought it up the other week to me. So reflecting on our up coming life change, my DH asked me to look at my calendar from last year as he figured - hey hasn't it been a year since our first IVF attempt? Well lo and behold it was a year to the date that he brought it up that we were in the process of treatment with IVF #1 ....
Now I have mentioned before how I felt this IVF attempt the second time was a type of "sign" and in sorts of "divine intervention" well TO THE DATE my due date (August 28) is EXACTLY to the date of my "WTF" appointment with the clinic in Edmonton after our failed cycle. How weird right?!
I think its funny how things work out but obviously this was all meant to be, and in just a week or less (HOPEFULLY) we will be meeting bambino/bambina and PLEASE come sooner than a week - I AM SO SO READY lol.....
Today I had my first stranger pregnancy experience so to say - I was picking up a birthday gift for my niece and the cashier looked at me and said "Your about to pop any day aren't you?" I said well yes in a week - her response " Yah I can tell - your going to pop" UMMMMMMM LMFAO....I have not had any stranger say anything to me in 9 months until today - I had to laugh and I called my DH right away to tell him.....
Update - this one I meant to write yesterday (I think I even said it would be a double entry day - well fail on my part!!!!)
I had an ultrasound two weeks ago - because my fundal height has been measuring 4 weeks behind consistently since my 32 week checkup. Well baby seems to be fine - Dr is not worried - but half of the baby I guess to say is not measuring to date - I know ultrasounds aren't always 100% accurate, but our babies femur and stomach is measuring at about 32 and 33 weeks (I don't remember the exact number) but this was August 09 - so due to the measurements that were taken - I go for another ultrasound on Friday just to double check. Now the dr. said that if he felt baby or myself were in danger they would induce me - but it doesn't seem to be the case - since he wasn't in a rush to do the follow up ultrasound.... Heck I'd love to be induced early lol - but whatever is best for the baby and the dr. said the babies bio-physical score (happiness score as he referred to) is 8/8 which means baby has space, is active, is receiving enough oxygen etc. so I am not worried - of course I used stupid Dr. Google and it stated that a small femur or stomach measurement could be a soft marker for downs' syndrome, now again not worried because my NT scans and tests came back fine - but again nothing is 100% correct right? I am not stressing - I am just praying for a healthy baby - of course we will love the baby no matter what - I am just hoping that everything truly is ok - and that in all aspects we are just having a small baby (easier delivery?!?!!)
Well that really is what I wanted to update - next OB appointment is Thursday afternoon and ultrasound on Friday - and here is to hoping I will have a baby before I decide to do another update!!!
XO
Now I have mentioned before how I felt this IVF attempt the second time was a type of "sign" and in sorts of "divine intervention" well TO THE DATE my due date (August 28) is EXACTLY to the date of my "WTF" appointment with the clinic in Edmonton after our failed cycle. How weird right?!
I think its funny how things work out but obviously this was all meant to be, and in just a week or less (HOPEFULLY) we will be meeting bambino/bambina and PLEASE come sooner than a week - I AM SO SO READY lol.....
Today I had my first stranger pregnancy experience so to say - I was picking up a birthday gift for my niece and the cashier looked at me and said "Your about to pop any day aren't you?" I said well yes in a week - her response " Yah I can tell - your going to pop" UMMMMMMM LMFAO....I have not had any stranger say anything to me in 9 months until today - I had to laugh and I called my DH right away to tell him.....
Update - this one I meant to write yesterday (I think I even said it would be a double entry day - well fail on my part!!!!)
I had an ultrasound two weeks ago - because my fundal height has been measuring 4 weeks behind consistently since my 32 week checkup. Well baby seems to be fine - Dr is not worried - but half of the baby I guess to say is not measuring to date - I know ultrasounds aren't always 100% accurate, but our babies femur and stomach is measuring at about 32 and 33 weeks (I don't remember the exact number) but this was August 09 - so due to the measurements that were taken - I go for another ultrasound on Friday just to double check. Now the dr. said that if he felt baby or myself were in danger they would induce me - but it doesn't seem to be the case - since he wasn't in a rush to do the follow up ultrasound.... Heck I'd love to be induced early lol - but whatever is best for the baby and the dr. said the babies bio-physical score (happiness score as he referred to) is 8/8 which means baby has space, is active, is receiving enough oxygen etc. so I am not worried - of course I used stupid Dr. Google and it stated that a small femur or stomach measurement could be a soft marker for downs' syndrome, now again not worried because my NT scans and tests came back fine - but again nothing is 100% correct right? I am not stressing - I am just praying for a healthy baby - of course we will love the baby no matter what - I am just hoping that everything truly is ok - and that in all aspects we are just having a small baby (easier delivery?!?!!)
Well that really is what I wanted to update - next OB appointment is Thursday afternoon and ultrasound on Friday - and here is to hoping I will have a baby before I decide to do another update!!!
XO
Saturday, 1 December 2012
Our "history"
As promised I will give a history of what we have done to try to have a family.
We began trying just before our October 2009 wedding. I always had the slightest feeling that it would not be easy for me to get pregnant - but definitely I did not think it would take this long!
AF would always show up on time while on BC but it was another story while off of it. I stayed "regular" for about three months when I stopped taking it - and we got to take our first HPT in February of 2010 but it was a BFN - first heartbreak. Then took another one in March and again April both BFN and all three times AF stayed away. Another no show in July 2010 and another heartbreak of a BFN, again another BFN in Sept 2010 (man by now we should invest in clear blue or buy some stocks haha)
September 2010 we finally got to meet with our fertility at the RAFC in Edmonton, more than a year after being referred (I had a very pro-active family dr who put in the referral before we actually tried for a year due to my PCOS and thyroid issues) and after all this time what does he do? Put me back on BC - excuse me? Well his reasoning - I was waiting for a surgery and he wanted me to have it done before getting pregnant as it would have put me and baby at a higher risk pregnancy if I had gotten pregnant prior to have the surgery done. Also when you have a irregular cycle the best chance of getting pregnant is the first three months you are off BC and he wanted to be able to give us the best chance possible - my surgery was scheduled for January of 2010 and then 6 weeks of recovery - so back on the BC train we went, from Oct 2010 to April 2011.
Next was the Clomid train - we began taking it in May 2011 -we had a positive OPK on June 15, 2011 and had an IUI on the 16th and then AF showed up on the 30th - didn't take and yet another heartbreak for us.
Clomid attempt #2 - July 2011, positive OPK July 23, IUI July 24 and AF showed up Aug 7 - another heartbreak again.
Clomid attempt #3 - August 2011, positive OPK August 24, IUI August 25 and then AF showed up Sept 08 - another BIG heartbreak, we were convinced this time it was going to work.
Oct-Dec 2011 we had a prometrium induced cycle in October. When the clinic called they confirmed we were not pregnant (as we needed to do a pregnancy test before we could take our prometrium) so of course my next question was as soon as I was done the pills and AF appeared if we could start my injectable hormone cycle - the nurse told me no and that I needed to receive my cycle naturally in order to start the treatment, I found this a bit odd, but who was I to question? I didn't have another appointment with the doctor till February of 2012 and my only contact at the clinic was a nurse so I had no one else to turn to. So after the October induced cycle we had two months of no cycles and I figured what was the point to take prometrium if I couldn't start my treatment.
We also took some time to ourselves and had a holiday in Mexico. Upon returning in Dec of 2011 we thought maybe if we were pregnant as I had some very obvious signs of ovulation, I did a pregnancy test when we returned and of course had another BFN, when the clinic called they confirmed we were not pregnant. The nurse told me she would give me a prescription for prometrium and I proceeded to ask her what the point was as I couldn't start treatment if I took it. She asked me what I was talking about and I told her what the nurse back in October had told me. She proceeded to tell me I was given the wrong information and that some women never ovulate and why else would I be at the clinic, that they were there to help us. Well of course I was completely devastated and all I could think was that we were set back another three months, especially with the Christmas season approaching, the clinic was closing for ten days so even if I was to take the prometrium - I would receive AF while they were closed, so can't start till the new year.
We decided to enjoy the Christmas season and take a running start right at the new year.
January 2012 - took the prometrium, AF appeared and we began the Puregon - Jan 14-18 we took 100 IUI, 19-21 125 IUI and 22-29 150 IUI - we had four ultrasounds during those dates to monitor follicle growth, on Jan 30 we took our HCG shot and had an IUI On Jan 31, and then another BFN on February 20 when AF appeared and another heartbreak.
At this point we decided to start all the pre-tests for IVF just in case we got to that point.
February 22, 2012 - first baseline ultrasound and antral follicle count (AFC)
We took March off - again no AF
April 2012 - we stuck to 100 IUI of Puregon from the 05-13, during this time we had three ultrasounds to monitor growth. Our HCG shot was on the 14th and an IUI on the 16th - two week waiting period and on May 03 - AF showed up so another heartbreak.
At this point we decided we were done with this method of trying and our appointment with our doctor we told him that after all these years and attempts we were done and wanted to move onto IVF and he agreed and said that we "earned" our IVF.
June 2012 we had to finish our "pre-IVF" testing - we redid our AFC and also completed our SIS.
Took July off to get ready for our August attempt.
August 2012 - we had our baseline ultrasound on the 2nd and everything looked quiet and ready to start. We started our injections on the 2nd with 375 IUI of menopur and took that dose for 7 days, then dropped it to 275 IUI for three days, we added Orgalutron at 250IUI to prevent ovulation. Between the 2nd and 12th we went for four ultrasounds to monitor everything. On the evening of 12th I took Lupron to get my follicles ready to be "released" we had our egg retrieval on Aug 14 and we had 45 follicles retrieved. A "clinic record" we thought great - awesome number! We did traditional IVF from the 45 retrieved we had 30 mature eggs - which is a great number a lot of women struggle to get four or five with this method. Well our embryologist called the next morning and we had NOTHING fertilize - another huge heartbreak. He proceeded to tell me that they would attempt rescue ICSI - which is a method where they inject the strongest sperm into the egg. Now of course I had to question the success rate of this - he proceeded to tell me 95% which I thought - awesome odds - we should still have some success. The next day he called to let me know we had 16 fertilize - alright awesome that's good!! Well over the next five days - they all began to seize and stop developing - by August 20 we had no embryos - everything had stopped developing. When he called to tell me we had nothing left - I asked what could have caused this and he told me that more than likely it was the rescue ICSI - um what? Last week you told me it was a 95% success rate. Well of course I was beyond heartbroken, I had contacted my IVF coordinator and demanded an appointment with my doctor as when I phoned I couldn't get an appointment till Decemeber - she had gotten me one for the next day.
Basically I had asked what happened and I was told they were sorry, at my pre-IVF meeting i asked "what if this doesn't work?" and I was looked straight in my eye and told I would be pregnant, I didn't take it too seriously as IVF is not guaranteed. But we were given a 60% success rate and 30-40% chance of having twins. They said they were just as surprised as us that we had no embryos that survived. I also asked about the ICSI - one day I'm told it's a 95% success rate and the next week I'm told it didn't work because of it.... Can you see why i was confused? Well little did the embryologist forget to tell me is that success rate he gave me was when they perform ICSI immediately and not 16 hours post retrieval, um thanks for the false hope.
They told me they are compassionate - but didn't want to be held liable or set any precedents - at this point I said well I feel like a ten thousand dollar science experiment and my thought when they said they don't want to be held liable is that a mistake was made and how would I ever know? I don't think they would actually admit, really nothing else was said, they said they would try to find some more answers and that they would be in touch via email and phone calls, well today is December 01 and I haven't heard a word.
We had decided we would wait till the New year to try IVF again. I started researching other clinics in Canada, we had made the decision to proceed with one in Vancouver. We had our appointments set and ready for our consultations. I also joined some online support groups and then started reading about IVF abroad and came across IVF in Mexico - read all about it - filled out an inquiry form and within three days cancelled my appointment in Vancouver and had everything arranged to come and do IVF in Nov/Dec at FCC and well the rest is history!!!
I'm glad I've finally written all this out - it was something I've talked about and am glad I have this now to look back on!!!!
We began trying just before our October 2009 wedding. I always had the slightest feeling that it would not be easy for me to get pregnant - but definitely I did not think it would take this long!
AF would always show up on time while on BC but it was another story while off of it. I stayed "regular" for about three months when I stopped taking it - and we got to take our first HPT in February of 2010 but it was a BFN - first heartbreak. Then took another one in March and again April both BFN and all three times AF stayed away. Another no show in July 2010 and another heartbreak of a BFN, again another BFN in Sept 2010 (man by now we should invest in clear blue or buy some stocks haha)
September 2010 we finally got to meet with our fertility at the RAFC in Edmonton, more than a year after being referred (I had a very pro-active family dr who put in the referral before we actually tried for a year due to my PCOS and thyroid issues) and after all this time what does he do? Put me back on BC - excuse me? Well his reasoning - I was waiting for a surgery and he wanted me to have it done before getting pregnant as it would have put me and baby at a higher risk pregnancy if I had gotten pregnant prior to have the surgery done. Also when you have a irregular cycle the best chance of getting pregnant is the first three months you are off BC and he wanted to be able to give us the best chance possible - my surgery was scheduled for January of 2010 and then 6 weeks of recovery - so back on the BC train we went, from Oct 2010 to April 2011.
Next was the Clomid train - we began taking it in May 2011 -we had a positive OPK on June 15, 2011 and had an IUI on the 16th and then AF showed up on the 30th - didn't take and yet another heartbreak for us.
Clomid attempt #2 - July 2011, positive OPK July 23, IUI July 24 and AF showed up Aug 7 - another heartbreak again.
Clomid attempt #3 - August 2011, positive OPK August 24, IUI August 25 and then AF showed up Sept 08 - another BIG heartbreak, we were convinced this time it was going to work.
Oct-Dec 2011 we had a prometrium induced cycle in October. When the clinic called they confirmed we were not pregnant (as we needed to do a pregnancy test before we could take our prometrium) so of course my next question was as soon as I was done the pills and AF appeared if we could start my injectable hormone cycle - the nurse told me no and that I needed to receive my cycle naturally in order to start the treatment, I found this a bit odd, but who was I to question? I didn't have another appointment with the doctor till February of 2012 and my only contact at the clinic was a nurse so I had no one else to turn to. So after the October induced cycle we had two months of no cycles and I figured what was the point to take prometrium if I couldn't start my treatment.
We also took some time to ourselves and had a holiday in Mexico. Upon returning in Dec of 2011 we thought maybe if we were pregnant as I had some very obvious signs of ovulation, I did a pregnancy test when we returned and of course had another BFN, when the clinic called they confirmed we were not pregnant. The nurse told me she would give me a prescription for prometrium and I proceeded to ask her what the point was as I couldn't start treatment if I took it. She asked me what I was talking about and I told her what the nurse back in October had told me. She proceeded to tell me I was given the wrong information and that some women never ovulate and why else would I be at the clinic, that they were there to help us. Well of course I was completely devastated and all I could think was that we were set back another three months, especially with the Christmas season approaching, the clinic was closing for ten days so even if I was to take the prometrium - I would receive AF while they were closed, so can't start till the new year.
We decided to enjoy the Christmas season and take a running start right at the new year.
January 2012 - took the prometrium, AF appeared and we began the Puregon - Jan 14-18 we took 100 IUI, 19-21 125 IUI and 22-29 150 IUI - we had four ultrasounds during those dates to monitor follicle growth, on Jan 30 we took our HCG shot and had an IUI On Jan 31, and then another BFN on February 20 when AF appeared and another heartbreak.
At this point we decided to start all the pre-tests for IVF just in case we got to that point.
February 22, 2012 - first baseline ultrasound and antral follicle count (AFC)
We took March off - again no AF
April 2012 - we stuck to 100 IUI of Puregon from the 05-13, during this time we had three ultrasounds to monitor growth. Our HCG shot was on the 14th and an IUI on the 16th - two week waiting period and on May 03 - AF showed up so another heartbreak.
At this point we decided we were done with this method of trying and our appointment with our doctor we told him that after all these years and attempts we were done and wanted to move onto IVF and he agreed and said that we "earned" our IVF.
June 2012 we had to finish our "pre-IVF" testing - we redid our AFC and also completed our SIS.
Took July off to get ready for our August attempt.
August 2012 - we had our baseline ultrasound on the 2nd and everything looked quiet and ready to start. We started our injections on the 2nd with 375 IUI of menopur and took that dose for 7 days, then dropped it to 275 IUI for three days, we added Orgalutron at 250IUI to prevent ovulation. Between the 2nd and 12th we went for four ultrasounds to monitor everything. On the evening of 12th I took Lupron to get my follicles ready to be "released" we had our egg retrieval on Aug 14 and we had 45 follicles retrieved. A "clinic record" we thought great - awesome number! We did traditional IVF from the 45 retrieved we had 30 mature eggs - which is a great number a lot of women struggle to get four or five with this method. Well our embryologist called the next morning and we had NOTHING fertilize - another huge heartbreak. He proceeded to tell me that they would attempt rescue ICSI - which is a method where they inject the strongest sperm into the egg. Now of course I had to question the success rate of this - he proceeded to tell me 95% which I thought - awesome odds - we should still have some success. The next day he called to let me know we had 16 fertilize - alright awesome that's good!! Well over the next five days - they all began to seize and stop developing - by August 20 we had no embryos - everything had stopped developing. When he called to tell me we had nothing left - I asked what could have caused this and he told me that more than likely it was the rescue ICSI - um what? Last week you told me it was a 95% success rate. Well of course I was beyond heartbroken, I had contacted my IVF coordinator and demanded an appointment with my doctor as when I phoned I couldn't get an appointment till Decemeber - she had gotten me one for the next day.
Basically I had asked what happened and I was told they were sorry, at my pre-IVF meeting i asked "what if this doesn't work?" and I was looked straight in my eye and told I would be pregnant, I didn't take it too seriously as IVF is not guaranteed. But we were given a 60% success rate and 30-40% chance of having twins. They said they were just as surprised as us that we had no embryos that survived. I also asked about the ICSI - one day I'm told it's a 95% success rate and the next week I'm told it didn't work because of it.... Can you see why i was confused? Well little did the embryologist forget to tell me is that success rate he gave me was when they perform ICSI immediately and not 16 hours post retrieval, um thanks for the false hope.
They told me they are compassionate - but didn't want to be held liable or set any precedents - at this point I said well I feel like a ten thousand dollar science experiment and my thought when they said they don't want to be held liable is that a mistake was made and how would I ever know? I don't think they would actually admit, really nothing else was said, they said they would try to find some more answers and that they would be in touch via email and phone calls, well today is December 01 and I haven't heard a word.
We had decided we would wait till the New year to try IVF again. I started researching other clinics in Canada, we had made the decision to proceed with one in Vancouver. We had our appointments set and ready for our consultations. I also joined some online support groups and then started reading about IVF abroad and came across IVF in Mexico - read all about it - filled out an inquiry form and within three days cancelled my appointment in Vancouver and had everything arranged to come and do IVF in Nov/Dec at FCC and well the rest is history!!!
I'm glad I've finally written all this out - it was something I've talked about and am glad I have this now to look back on!!!!
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